When I broke up with my ex boyfriend he told me
“I don’t understand, you don’t even look sad. You look completely detached from it and really you don’t look like you give a fuck at all.”
BUT I DO OBVIOUSLY!
Another ex boyfriend called me a robot, another called me a cold hearted bitch. I don’t know what these guys want from me. Maybe they need to man the fuck up. I do care, I don’t know how I can show it more. I guess I am pretty removed from everything though, does that make me narcissistic?
Also I had a headache ALL DAY yesterday. Which could be from switching to a keto diet. However, I slept amazingly last night which is crayzee for me. The diet is really great and I fucking LOVE BUTTER AND ALL THINGS FATTY AND MEATY SO LIFE IS A DREAM.
Man, my head has been in so much pain all day. I’m currently working on sorting out the things in my life that are making me feel that my heart is beating faster than normal. That’s to say that i’m trying to relieve myself from the things in life that are causing me anxiety. So far, Its not been great. The heart pounding hasn’t really subsided and i’m left with an awful uncertain feeling in the pit of my stomach all the time. I don’t understand. I’m like “Elly the chilled out one” and in reality im a wreck ha. In terms of eating, I’ve stuck pretty well to the keto diet today! I didn’t go for a run. I was too busy. I’m feeling pretty awful right now actually but OH WELL onwards and upwards I don’t want to stop and think about my life because I may actually have some sort of breakdown.
Okay, reading all this back just makes me realise how weird I am becoming. I never used to be like this. I don’t know whether I should take up the talking therapy that was offered to me or not. I need to get my mum to ring back the doctors and find out my blood test results so we can know if my moods are because of my thyroid or because of something else. I don’t really know what I want to be the outcome to be honest. Id like to know that my thyroid is okay and functioning but if it isnt then at least i can realise that that was probably the cause for all this craziness. Thyroidism is a fucking bitch
SO. This is my first post. I have decided to start this blog in order to add some accountability to myself on account of me being such a flaky and all round shite individual. Writing isn’t new to me, I keep diaries every bloody day but nobody sees them, so at least writing online means I have to get my shit together and not just mope about all my problems.
THINGS I AM GOING TO DO AND STICK TO.
- A DECENT DIET AND RUNNING (Attempting the keto diet, lots of fats, protein and basically no carbs.)
- BEING A DECENT HUMAN BEING. (This involves being in a normal mental state and generally being a decent person and not the hellish devil I am most days)
Man, its hard though. I have eaten my weight in sugar today, I feel like SHIT. I must stop eating this crap. My current weigh in puts me at 138lbs and im hoping to be 125 by the end of August. However, I have a holiday in July which I want to be slim for. Its not even funny how much I think about my weight, its actually kind of sad and soul destroying. But I am not joking when I say it occupies my thoughts nearly all day every day, its awful. But i’m hoping if I keep running and eating keto, the weight will come off and maybe i’ll be happy, and at least feel healthier in my mental state too. As this cycle of healthy eating and binging im on now is no way good for my mental health.
I want to be in Thailand by the end of August. I just have to find a full time job and find the time to tell my parents and deal with their yelling. I can see that this post is a bit erratic. Ha ha! I will try better next time.
I am also hoping this keto diet might help my thyroid hormone. I had blood tests last week but had a mini break down in front of the doctor because the way my moods have been recently I feel im going crazy. HOPEFULLY my medication will change, or maybe i’ll go on anti depressants on top of levothyroxine. Fuck. Thyroidism sucks. Its one of those illnesses that there is no straight answer for and its SUPER HARD to monitor.